The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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