I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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