where does the pee come out of this thing
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I deserve this hangover.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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