i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize