I'm sorry my penis didn't work
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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