You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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