I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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