I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
