I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
