Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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