Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Duck Duck Cougar?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
