When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
