He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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