Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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