im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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