if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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