shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
