2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
