Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
