He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
