Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My penis needs a shock collar
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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