I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
