he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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