You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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