Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
