I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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