OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Randomize
