I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
