I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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