I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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