The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
