Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
