Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Two words: blizzard sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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