she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
