the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
