Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This house was built for laser tag.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
that is very illegal...i love you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
