can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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