There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
