I'm going to jail i love you
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
