she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
