I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I AM VODKA MAN
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
