we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
