I wish my penis had an off switch
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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