so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
