Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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