I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
