chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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