I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it because I queefed?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
