I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you inspire me to be a worse person
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
