i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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