I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the raccoons are back...
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