I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Couch. On fire.
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