did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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