I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
