is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i wish my penis had a tongue
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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