I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
