Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
