my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
