you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
